


Friends Are Weird

by orphan_account



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Ace!Christine, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bi!Brooke, Bi!Rich, Demi!Jake, Flirty Michael (slightly), Fluff, Gay, Gay!Chloe, Gay!Jenna, Jake is in denial, Jeremy is a soft pan boi, Memes, Michael makes an entrance, Michael tops (unrelated), Multi, Pan!Jeremy, Rainbows, Rich and Michael are terrifyingly out of the closet, The squip can eat my ass, gay!michael, groupchat, like seriously gay, slight angst, the squip returns, um, very gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 17:42:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 5,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11560179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Video games are fun. Real life friends are okay. Michael is gay. Jeremy is questioning everything. Group chats are great. The squip is the worst.





	1. Intro

**Michael Mell** _created group_ : **We're not straight here**

 **Michael Mell** _added_ **Richard Goranski**

 **Michael Mell** _added_ **Jake Dillinger**

 **Michael Mell** _added_ **Brooke Lohst**

 **Michael Mell** _added_ **Chloe Valentine**

 **Michael Mell** _added_ **Jenna Rolan**

 **Michael Mell** _added_ **Christine Canigula**

 **Michael Mell** _added_ **Jeremy Heere**

 **Michael Mell** _changed nickname to_ **mellonotjello**

 **Richard Goranski** _changed nickname_ to **flamingbi**

 **mellonotjello** _changed nickname_ to **gayguymakesanentrance**

 **gayguymakesanentrance** : welcome to your new home my children

 **Jake Dillinger** : wtf guys

 **gayguymakesanentrance** _changed chat name to_ **shut the fuck up jake**

 **Jake Dillinger** _changed nickname to_ **amitheonlystraightone?**

 **gayguymakesanentrance** : no. because you're not straight

 **flamingbi:** you ain't denying it

 **Jeremy Heere:** why is everyone texting during class???

 **Jeremy Heere** _changed nickname to_ **softpanboi**

 **gayguymakesanentrance** : about time goddamn germy

 **softpanboi** : what

 **flamingbi** : we all knew this germy

 **gayguymakesanentrance** : my nickname ricky dicky

 **flamingbi** : y tho

 **Jenna Rolan:** shut up people please i didnt have time to turn on do not disturb and now i have detention u lil shits

 **amitheonlystraightone?** : shut up jenna

 **gayguymakesanentrance** : hey germy

 **softpanboi** : y tho

 **Jenna Rolan** : i will cut u

 **flamingbi** : this is pleasing

 **flamingbi** : i knew there was a reason to write that on your backpacks

 **softpanboi** : no

 **gayguymakesanentrance** : pshhh we all kno germy is a furry

 **softpanboi** : NO

 **gayguymakesanentrance** : ;3c

 **flamingbi** : get that paw away from ur face jello

 **gayguymakesanentrance** : ;3                   c

 **softpanboi** : what

 **gayguymakesanentrance** : ill wear a fursuit for u germy ;3

 **softpanboi** : no

 **Jenna Rolan:** ship

 **softpanboi** : NO

 **gayguymakesanentrance** : ;)

 **Christine Canigula** : Stop. This can be resumed later.

 **Jenna Rolan** : anything 4 u bb ;)

 **Christine Canigula:** what

 **Jenna Rolan:** what

Jenna looked up from her phone. Thank God, nearly the end of the day. Not that sitting next to Christine wasn't interesting, but school was hell. Wondering where Chloe and Brooke where, and why they weren't answering their phones was taking up a lot of space in her mind (Christine had the rest), so she barely noticed when class ended. Chloe and Brooke were walking side by side, with Brooke resting her head on Chloe's. When they saw people walking through the halls, they jumped apart and continued on their way.

**_shut the fuck up jake_ **

**amitheonlystraightone** _changed nickname_ to **jakeysd**

 **flamingbi** : I would climb that

 **softpanboi** : what

 **flamingbi** : shit sorry voice to text no homo

 **gayguymakesanentrance** : that explains nothing

 **gayguymakesanentrance** _changed chat name to_ **yes homo**

 **gayguymakesanentrance** _closed chat until_ 18:00


	2. Outed The First Couple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad I could get this out before tomorrow, sorry it took a while. I wrote this in two short spurts, it should be obvious where the split is.

_Chat reopened automatically_  
**gayguymakesanentrance** _changed chat name to_ **welcome to the ~~gay~~ jungle**  
**jakeysd** : wtf you're like the only gay one  
**Jenna Rolan** : incorrect  
**Chloe Valentine** : incorrect  
**flamingbi** : 50% incorrect  
**softpanboi** : 50% incorrect  
**Christine** **Canigula** : Somewhat incorrect, I'm ace.  
**Brooke** **Lohst** : 50% incorrect  
**jakeysd** : I'm the straightest person here?  
**Chloe** **Valentine** : the straightest person Heere  
**jakeysd** : stahp  
**flamingbi** : i notice you did not say that you were the only straight person, just that you were the straightest person here specifically meaning that you are not necessarily straight, just 51% percent (or more) straight. using this logic i can determine that it is official, jacob francis dillinger is not straight.  
**softpanboi** : you put a lot of thought into that.  
**jakeysd** : 1, wow. no. 2, YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL ANYONE MY MIDDLE NAME, RICHARD FITZPATRICK GORANSKI.  
**gayguymakesanentrance** : this is beautiful. p.s. fitz before a name means illegitimate son of. so someone in rich's family was am illegitimate son of a dude called Patrick. using this logic i can determine that it is in rich's blood to want to fuck everyone.  
**jakeysd** : wow  
**flamingbi** : true dat  
**Brooke** **Lohst** : fitzpatrick and francis? wow, your parents hated u guys  
**Chloe** **Valentine** : at least it's not like Christine's  
**Christine** **Canigula** _changed nickname to_ **Cats**  
**Cats** : guess what the next play is gonna be? P.s. don't you dare say it  
**Jenna** **Rolan** : Fuck off I don't give a shit  
**gayguymakesanentrance** : dont swear  
**Brooke** **Lohst** changed nickname to heck  
**gayguymakesanentrance** : shockedmario.png  
**softpanboi** : that is an outdated meme  
**gayguymakesanentrance** : ur an outdated meme  
**softpanboi** : im your outdated meme tho  
**gayguymakesanentrance** : <3  
**Chloe** **Valentine** : do u guys have something to tell us  
**gayguymakesanentrance** _changed nickname to_ **fuck**  
**softpanboi** _changed nickname to_ **softpanboyf**  
**gayguymakesanentrance** _changed nickname to_ **gayriendmakesanentrance**  
**Chloe** **Valentine** : shsgbdydbsbdsendhebdhje hshfudnndisnsonudesudjdj jdhdjrjsbdheuiebrookejcbfhjd  
**Jenna** **Rolan** : I won't tell anyone. hjrwhatjdbriensjthekdbdiznfuckhf  
**Cats** : Awww! That's super cute of you Jenna!  
**Jenna** **Rolan** : it's nothing <3  
**gayriendmakesanentrance** _shut chat temporarily_  
Fuck. Jeremy and him were outed now. It was pretty obvious, but it was nice having privacy about their relationship too. He wondered what Jake and Rich were doing (presumably together, as neither of them were answering). Meh, nothing to worry about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next chapter!  
> P.S. The part about Fitz is correct, I found that out because of Pride and Prejudice. Fitzwilliam Darcy, to be specific


	3. Spoiler Alert: It Was Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was quick! Enjoy

 Rich looked up at Jake. They were outside Starbucks, sipping their respective drinks near a table with  
"Do you wear heels or something? You are way too tall."  
"Dude, I'm only like, six foot two." Jake sniggered "Still growing, unlike some people."  
Rich blushed. "Get down here."  
Jake bent down. "I can't hear you, you're too far down. What did you say?"  
"Shut up."  
Jake laughed. And then he wasn't laughing. Because his face was blocked. Because Rich had kissed him. _Stay calm, just kiss him back. You like him, don't you?_ One half of him was saying. The other half was saying something like _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_  
Rich was confused. Jake was kissing him back. Why? Jake was straight, wasn't he? Then a memory struck him from earlier that day. Jake is the straightest person in our group chat, which isn't saying much. Of course he would kiss Rich back. But he's clearly closeted, so I should pretend it isn't obvious. Then Rich pulled back. Jake looked.... disappointed? Jake liked him???  
"Um, sorry dude, I know you're-" Jake cut him off.  
"I'm not."  
"But-" Rich tried to look surprised. It worked.  
"Jake Francis Dillinger. Your local demisexual/panromantic dude."  
Rich kissed him again. Cafe chairs came in useful when someone's roughly one foot and three inches taller than you. They broke apart again.  
"It's a little late for me to say this, but are we a thing now?" Jake scratched the back of his neck "Cause, like, I get it if you don't want-"  
"We are."  
And that was that. Later, at Jake's new house (Dads suck, and empty houses are great for HAVING INNOCENT TALKS JESUS CHRIST THEY ONLY JUST DECIDED THEY WERE A THING) Rich noticed how late it was.  
"Do you think Michael's reopened the chat?"  
**gayriendmakesanentrance** _reopened_ **welcome to the ~~gay~~ jungle**  
**gayriendmakesanentrance** _changed_ _chat_ _name_ _to_ **soft**  
**softpanboyf** : isnt the worlld just,,, soofftt?  
**Jenna Rolan** : are you guys getting high in michaels basement?  
**gayriendmakesanentrance** : Jeremy is. I am responsible.  
**softpanboyf** : michael is sssooft  
**gayriendmakesanentrance** : I can't move.  
**Jenna** **Rolan** _changed_ _nickname_ _to_ **rolanofl**  
**rolanofl** : sorry just noticed that. why can't you move?  
**gayriendmakesanentrance** : Jeremy does a certain thing whenever he gets stoned.  
**Cats** : Jeremy told me about it. He puts his head on Michael's crotch and does puppy eyes at Michael the moment he tries to move.  
**gayriendmakesanentrance** : You don't understand how cute it is.  
**jakeysd** _changed_ _nickname_ _to_ **richsd**  
**flamingbi** _changed_ _nickname_ _to_ **guess**  
**guess** : what  
**guess** _changed_ _nickname_ _to_ **flamingbi**  
**flamingbi** : we're a thing now  
**richsd** _changed nickname_ _to_ **jakeysd**  
**jakeysd** : wait... jeremy put his head on Michael's crotch?  
**flamingbi** : it's a thing  
**Cats** : so is me and Jenna.  
**rolanofl** : true dat.  
**gayriendmakesanentrance** : okay, any other couples we should know about?  
**heck** : nah.  
Brooke looked up from her phone to where Chloe was lying on her lap. No one needed to know just yet. And Chloe didn't want anyone to know either. It could wait. She kissed Chloe on the forehead, left a note saying  
_It got late, I had to go home. See you tomorrow!_  
_Brooke xx_  
and headed home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's a lot of shipping. In case you can't tell, this is my first fanfiction and I can't write kissing scenes. Let's ignore that.  
> See you next chapter!


	4. Halloween Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CAUSE A HALLOWEEN PARTY'S A RAD EXCUSE TO PUT YOUR BODY THROUGH MAD ABUSE- oh sorry, didn't see you there. Sorry for the chapter gap. There should be another chapter out before Sunday.

**heck** _opened a private chat with_ **Chloe Valentine**  
**Chloe Valentine** _changed nickname to_ **fast10:yourseatbelts**  
**fast10:yourseatbelts:** o shit waddup  
**heck** : chlo this is serious  
**heck** : should we tell people about....?  
**fast10:yourseatbelts** : not yet  
**heck** : then when?  
**fast10:yourseatbelts** : before new years, okay? I promise.  
**heck** : three months.  
~~**All Hallows Eve, two months left.**~~  
**soft**  
**gayriendmakesanentrance** : happy Halloween guys. One year anniversary of squip making Jeremy an asshole.  
**flamingbi** : and me  
**heck** : true dat. hey, does anyone else have a headache?  
fast10:yourseatbelts: now you mention it, yeah.  
**flamingbi** : me too. but im still going to jakeys party  
**jakeysd** : damn right you are  
**Cats** : I definitely am. I have a headache too, but, at least it's not a migraine.  
**rolanofl** : do you ever look at this chat and just think gay  
**softpanboyf** : this is pan erasure  
**flamingbi** : and bi erasure  
**Cats** : and ace erasure  
**jakeysd** : and demi erasure  
**heck** : hands up who in this group has never jokingly called themselves gay.  
**gayriendmakesanentrance** : *crickets*  
**heck** : exactly.  
**flamingbi** : im gonna go get ready for the halloween partay  
fast10:yourseatbelts: partay?  
**gayriendmakesanentrance** _temporarily closed_ **soft**

Rich tugged awkwardly at his collar. Going as a sexy nun had definitely been a bad idea. It was worth it to make Jake go as a sexy priest. The tights were okay, it was the dress that was awful. He had discarded the habit before the party. How was he supposed to dance with that. They also set up a ~confession booth~ in Jake's parent's room. It covered the bed.

Jeremy was comfy in his - well, really Michael's - hoodie. He was dressed up as Michael. He had to get a new hoodie and headphones and- well, he just had to buy Michael's clothes from shops. It was easy to tell why Michael wore this stuff. Comfy, warm, hides anything you're insecure about, and you get to listen to good music. It's hard to find good headphones, but Michael had hit the jackpot. 

Michael had refused to dress up as Jeremy, but had mysteriously said he was going as someone called Bob. Everyone had assumed he was going as Bob Marley, but he had also hinted that the person was dead. Jeremy had to take a second, as he knew who it was, and still wasn't over the death of that particular Bob. Michael was reducing a bunch of people to tears by going as Bob Ross. The wig was annoying, but he got to carry around his pet hedgehog and wear comfy, paint stained clothes. Good thing he loved painting.

Jake put his hat thing to rights for what felt like the hundredth time that night and tugged down his short robe. Going as a sexy priest was... difficult. It's really awkward to ask a Wal-Mart employee where the sexy Halloween costumes for men are, you know? He was used to weird looks, having had weirder costumes.

Brooke pushed her gun back into it's holster. Her fake gun, of course. Going as an army soldier had been difficult, especially considering how hard it is to find non-sexy Halloween costumes for women. Her pepper spray was hidden in a chunky belt. She was following Chloe to make sure she didn't get totally wasted and sleep with some guy who noticed that. She shot a knowing look at Michael, who was doing the same thing with Jeremy. They became good friends quickly after the Squipcident.

Chloe pulled out her wand. Going as Hermione was fun, but with the amount of hairspray in her hair and how much backcombing she had done, she wasn't sure if her hair would ever be normal again. Christine and Jenna weren't at the party. Probably cuddling and watching some stupid films at home. Sounds fun, but she'd rather be here with Brooke.

The Halloween party was fun, but Rich preferred cuddling with Jake in bed after.

The Halloween party was fun, and Chloe loved joking with Jeremy while they drank the punch.

The Halloween party was fun, but Michael's favourite part was sneaking off with Brooke to talk in the bathroom about how cute their dates are.

The Halloween party was fun, so Jeremy checked on Michael at the end to see if they both had had a good time.

The Halloween party was great, and Jake was happy with all his friends and how they'd gotten better since the Squipcident.

The Halloween party was amazing, and Brooke was more in love with Chloe than ever.

The Halloween party was over, and everyone was asleep. Michael was thinking about his day, when something clicked, and he shot off to Spencer's Gifts, just in time to get his Mountain Dew collection. The punch had tasted weird at the time, but he had put that down to packet punch. The punch was made by Rich, and only using fruit juices. _But it tasted of Mountain Dew._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Guess who's coming next chapter? OOOOoOOoooooO000 Yes, the headaches are a reference to that character. Chloe's nickname is from a tumblr post somewhere. And yes, I am in mourning for Bob Ross. If you don't know who he is or why Michael gets to carry around a hedgehog, just look Bob Ross up on YouTube. Season 21 onwards is the best quality.  
> I may put a deleted scene in the comments, if you want.


	5. I'm back, bitch.

_Chat reopened automatically_

**gayriendmakesanentrance** : hey boyf <3 morning  
 **softpanboyf** : morning to you too riend <3  
 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : can I talk to you about something  
 **$ &^¡9** _has entered the chat_  
 **$ &^¡9** _changed nickname to_ **Moderator**  
 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : what  
 **softpanboyf** : who are you  
 **Moderator** _has sent an audio message to_ **softpanboyf**  
 **softpanboyf** : everyone get o-_;:'"£@7229_;"#+/!?away from my house  
 **softpanboyf** : please come t:_;£+'#"#+('_+=_;£/away from my house  
 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : coming boyf  
Everyone sat in a ring around Jeremy's living room coffee table. Michael was clutching a bottle of Mountain Dew Red and muttering something under his breath about bathrooms, parties and Halloween. Jeremy was holding on to Michael's arm like it was the only thing anchoring him to earth. Everyone else was going through various stages of panic and remembering things buried deep.  
Michael took a deep breath before speaking.  
"It's back, isn't it?"  
Jeremy nodded and held out his phone. Christine leaned forward and pressed play on the audio message.  
"Jeremy. Remember what I said to you last? You really thought I was gone! Ha. Humans."  
Everyone was silent. Until Rich pointed out:  
"He... sounds like Keanu Reaves."  
Michael shivered. "They're designed to be the thing you will trust most. What was yours?"  
Rich sunk lower into himself. "I chose the one I liked least on the select menu just in case. Jack Black."  
Jake laughed. "No wonder you set fire to my house, dude. I'd go insane if Jack Black was permanently in my head. I got Sean Bean."  
"I nearly got Lin Manuel Miranda. That would have put me off Hamilton and In The Heights and 21 Chump Street and then life would not be worth living." Christine shuddered, "I ended up with Daniel Radcliffe. I can only just watch Harry Potter now."  
"I got Madonna. My least favourite." Jenna stated.  
"I got J-Law. At least not for too long." Chloe joked, half-serious.  
"I got Justin Beiber. I don't even know why it was on the select, I chose it cause if I'm gonna get traumatized, it might as well keep me away from Justin Beiber." Brooke shook her head.  
"Suck it. I rescued you all AND didn't get a Squip."  
Jeremy snorted.  
"Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Does anyone know what the Squip is doing? And Rich, do you know if anyone put anything in the punch? It tasted of Mountain Dew." Michael leaned forwards, putting his chin in his hands.  
"I've heard the voice again," volunteered Rich, "And only Dustin Kropp has had a bottle near the punch. He talked to me a lot, mentioned how he's been looking forward to this party cause it's his big chance to... I zoned out after that. Oh! And I heard that Dustin left straight after talking to me, even though it was his quote unquote 'big chance'" Rich scoffed.  
"We all had a headache in September, and mine continued till Halloween. Anyone else?" Jeremy pointed out.  
General mutters of agreement were heard, except-  
"Not me, bitch."  
"Shut the fuck up, Michael."  
"Touché."  
Jeremy sighed. "Meeting adjourned. We meet again tomorrow?"  
"Yup."  
"Yeah"  
"Sure."  
"Yes."  
"Mhmm."  
"You bet."  
"Well, I'm here all night, soo..."  
"MICHAEL!"  
Later that night, Jeremy tossed and turned for what felt like hours. Michael stayed awake, making sure he was okay. Thinking over what the squip had done. Not just to him, to everyone.  
"Jeremyyy..."


	6. Well, fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fasten your seatbelts, suckers.

 Pinkberry wasn't the best choice, but it was the first thing Jeremy could think of. Then, after getting his weird yet somehow delicious frozen yoghurt, he went to wherever his mind took him.  
Knock. Knock. Knock.  
Christine turned over sleepily.  
Knock. Knock. Knock.   
Christine yawned, then climbed out of bed.  
Knock. Knock. Knock.  
"Jeremy? How long have you been outside?"  
"Outside this door? Fifteen minutes (I have to screw up the courage to open the door). Outside my house? Roughly an hour. Why?"  
"Get inside."  
Jeremy perched himself awkwardly on the end of Christine's bed. Last year he would have paid a million dollars to be where he was, but minus one thing.  
"You heard it, didn't you?"  
How did Christine know everything?  
"My name. And it'll be back. I know. I just kn- AAARGH!"  
Jeremy fell back, twitching and twisting in pain. Shocks, over and over and over. No speech, just a dull reboot sound. Sort of like a PlayStation One, Jeremy grinned to himself. Or would have, if he was physically able. It felt like he was being tasered.i  
"Jeremy... you really thought I was gone? I had too much faith in you. Goodnight."  
Just like that, the mechanical Keanu Reaves that had ruined his life disappeared.  
Christine had done the same. Except minus Keanu Reaves. For a second, Jeremy saw a strange, green, Daniel Radcliffe.  
"Oh no! I'm not going to be able to watch Harry Potter for ages now!"  
Rich turned over to Jake.  
"Hey, you awake?"  
"I am now."  
"Did you feel that?"  
"Yeah. My back hurts."  
"Should we check chat?"  
"In the middle of a crisis, use memes."  
 **welcome to the ~~gay~~ jungle**  
 **jakeysd** _changed chat name to_ **team gay the pray away**  
 **flamingbi** : what the fuck  
 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : im all for that chat name, but not now. not at three in the morning.  
Michael knew what was happening. He should have done something. Helped someone. But, he could do research. Would half a pill lessen the effect?  
***  
"Good morning, Michae- you look awful."  
"I tried it. The pain is the worst. At least I weakened it first, eh?"  
"What?"  
"Take a wild fucking guess. What's painful, a pill, and affecting everyone? I deactivated after. Research is important. I need-"  
Michael collapsed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >:D


	7. Don't swear in hospitals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, I got you a gift for the chapters I missed. Buckle the fuck up.

"Michael? Michael! DAD!"  
Michael blinked. Opened his eyes. White. Blinked again. Blurry shapes. Blinked again. Still blurry.  
"Where are my glasses?"  
"Michael? Thank fu- God!" He leaned in and whispered "I'm not swearing in a fucking hospi- shit."  
"Jeremy I just want my glasses. I can't see shi- anything."  
Jeremy handed him his glasses  
"Cracked? Why?"  
Everything came flooding back.  
"Michael," Jeremy began, "What did you choose?"  
"Hannah Montannah."  
"wHAT THE FUUU-"  
*** [time skip while Michael and Jeremy get out the hospital/get kicked out when Michael is confirmed okay] ***  
 **gay the pray away**  
 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : hey guys im out of hospital  
 **Cats** : What happened Michael? Why did no one tell me? Are you okay now?  
 _rolanofl_ : babe  
 **Cats** : oh  
 **Moderator** _closed group to all_  
Jeremy fell back. Shock after shock after shock. Worse than the squip loading in. Thank God his dad wasn't home to hear the screaming.  
"Jeremy. Sit up."  
Michael was there.  
"Jeremy. I know how to sort this out."  
"R-really?"  
"Well, one Michael does."  
More shocks.  
"Repeat after me. Everything about Michael is horrible."  
"N-no! He's my boyfriend! He's great"  
Shocks. His muscles began twitching separately. His head was forced up.   
"Jeremy. Make eye contact. Avoiding it is unattractive. Chloe would never go out with someone like you."  
"God, I hope not. I have a boyfriend, asshole."  
"For now. Michael doesn't like you. He just pretends."  
"No he doesn't!"  
Shocks.

Michael knocked on the door. He did it! The squip could be destroyed completely.  
"Hey Jeremy! I can- What's wrong?"  
"H-hey M-m-ichael. I'm f-fine. Can we, um, talk later?"  
"Okay.. yeah.. That's fine. See you!"  
"Y-yeah.. ha, see you.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like this. It's fun.


	8. Michael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY FOR WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN.

 "Jeremy. Look up."  
His head was forced up. The dull, glassy blue met cold, electric blue.  
"Eye contact is important. We went over this last night, remember? I don't want to have to do it again."  
"I-I-I'm sorry M-michael."  
"Good, you're getting it! I am the only Michael that will talk to you."  
"N-no! Michael will talk to me again! There's school on Monday! H-he'll talk to me there!"  
"Jeremy. Being conceited is unattractive. You don't want to be punished, do you?"  
Jeremy remained silent. His throat was raw from the screaming. For the last six days of half term, the Squip had been teaching him.  
 _The night before._  
"Jeremy. Look me in the eyes and repeat after me. Eye contact is the most important factor in appearing confident."  
"E-eye cont-tact is the most important factor in seeming confident."  
Shocks.  
"Jeremy, I said eye contact is the most important factor in APPEARING confident. Try again."  
"E-eye-"  
"And don't stutter. It makes you seem weak."  
"Eye c-c-"  
Shocks.  
"Try again."  
"Eye contact i-is-"  
Shocks.  
"Again."  
"Eye contact is the most i-im-"  
Shocks.  
"Do I need to say it again?"  
"No, Michael. Eye contact is the most important factor in appearing confident."  
"Good boy. Now onto our next lesson."  
He hadn't slept in days, barely remaining awake using coffee. When he slept, the nightmares came. Nightmares meant he was scared and stuttery. Michael said stuttering made you weak. Michael was always right.  
"Jeremy. Listen to me. You need to sleep tonight. There will be less bags under your eyes. I'll keep away nightmares."  
"Thank you Michael."  
"Shh. Just sleep."  
Jeremy got what he had wanted. Dreamless sleep. Little did he know, the Squip had been giving him nightmares to keep him awake and teach him.  
It was confusing. Michael had knocked on Jeremy's door every day for the last week. No answer. Ah well, he'd see Jeremy at school.  
Jeremy tugged on his shirt and trousers. He went to grab his trademark cardigan, but he stopped.  
"M-michael, what m-may I wear instead?"  
"Good boy. Wear this."  
It was an Eminem hoodie.  
"Thank you Michael. You're very kind."  
For days the squip had been turning the air conditioning down to 30 degrees and not letting Jeremy put on a sweater. This hoodie was heaven.  
At school, Jeremy finally saw Michael. The real one. He turned and ran the other way, searching for Brooke.  
A few minutes later, Jeremy gave up and opened the door to the janitor's closet. There he found Brooke. And Chloe, too. Making out.   
"Jeremy? Oh my God." Brooke started.  
"H-hey guys," Jeremy tried for a smile.  
"We are talking about this at lunch. Meanwhile, you talk to Brooke." Chloe said. How did she know everything? "Don't tell anyone." She added, walking past.  
"H-hey Brooke. Um, have you been having trouble with your Squip?"  
"Oh, no. Michael came round a week ago and helped me get rid of it. Permanently. Didn't he come to yours? He said you didn't answer."  
"I-I didn't hear."  
"Oh my God, Jeremy. Michael is sitting with us at lunch. You have to join us."  
"O-okay."  
He didn't want to talk to Michael. What if he punished him for not talking to him? What if he stuttered? What if he didn't make eye contact?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHY DID I DO THIS TO MY BABIES? THIS IS BARELY A GROUP CHAT FIC. I NEED TO MAKE A NON ANGSTY ONE.


	9. Thank God.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be over soon

Jeremy sat down. Maintaining eye contact. Michael wasn't there. Chloe looked worried; Brooke even more so, if that was possible. It's fine, he wanted to say. But it wasn't. The squip had shut itself down temporarily, due to updates. Again. He opened the group chat.  
 **gay the pray away**  
 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : yo dudes  
 **jakeysd** : waddup homie  
 **flamingbi** : don't u mean homo  
 **fast10:yourseatbelts** : tru dat  
 **heck** : homosexuality  
 **rolanofl** : thank u for ur contribution  
 **Cats** : Hey guys! Can't wait to see you at lunch.  
 **fast10:yourseatbelts:** you type like my mom.  
 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : no shit Sherlock  
 **flamingbi** : no shizzle mikeydizzle  
 **jakeysd** : I have trained u well  
 **softpanboyf** : hey  
 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : hey boi how u been  
 **softpanboyf** : missin my riend + ignoring squippy  
 **flamingbi** : squippy?  
 **fast10:yourseatbelts:** i will not have kinkshaming in my house  
 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : yo germy when we meet at lunch I have smthn to give you.  
Jeremy looked around nervously, sensing someone's footsteps.  
"Hey Jeremy! Michael will be here any minute now. He has everything ready for you," Brooke sat down next to Jeremy and continued, "to get rid of the Squip. Bet you're looking forward to it, huh?"  
Jeremy nodded, craning his neck to search for Michael. He's not going to come, said a little voice in the back of his mind. Yet there Michael was. Sitting right next to him.  
"Hey, Michael!"  
"Jeremy, Michael's not here yet. What's-" Brooke's eyes met his. "Oh, God. Drink this." She handed him some water.  
Tapping his fingers, Jeremy drained the glass in one gulp. God, he had been hungry. Suddenly, every muscle in his body froze, then tensed. Michael was walking up to him.  
 _Jeremy was in his room, being shocked._

_He was lying down on his bed, praying for it to end._

  
_He was sitting at the table with his dad, pretending everything was fine to avoid hurting him_

_._   
_He was trapped in the room with Chloe, unable to escape._

  
He was on the floor in the cafeteria.  
"Quick, Jeremy," He recognised that voice. It wasn't the one he'd been hearing before, though. He hadn't heard it for a while. "Five things you see, four things you can touch, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you can taste. Let's start. Five things you see."  
"The tables, the chairs, Rich and Jake so close together they look like they're trying to form one person, Brooke and red."  
"Well done. Four things you can touch?"  
"The tiled floor, someone's shoe, a weird stain on the floor I don't want to touch, and a soft thing." Things around him were coming more into focus.  
"Brilliant. Three things you hear."  
"People yelling, Chloe tapping her heel nervously, and your voice."  
"Incredible! Two things you smell."  
"The weird cafeteria, and something like a basement."  
"Perfect! One thing you taste."  
"Um, my mouth?" Jeremy could see everything round him now. "Michael?"  
"The one and only. Drink this."  
He drank, obediently. And promptly blacked out.  
 _"Jeremy."_  
 _ **Shocks, over and over.**_  
 _"Make eye contact, good boy."_

  
_Looking straight ahead._

  
_"You don't want me to punish you, do you?"_

  
_Black._

  
_Falling._

  
_"Jeremy. Stay still. Or I'll punish you again."_

  
_Landing._

  
_"Jeremy. Don't move. It'll only hurt more."_

  
_Being held_.

  
"Jeremy?"  
Not the Squip.  
"...Michael?"  
Lying on the sofa, surrounded by all his friends, was not the way he expected this day to go. But, he had to do something. He staggered to the bathroom, and threw up. Retching on air, he noticed Michael standing in the doorway, holding a glass of water.  
"Do you want a drink?"  
"Y-yes please." He drained the glass. And again. Was it even humanly possible to be this thirsty? Hah, thirsty. Okay, sleep was required. This was almost as weird as Michael when he was tired (Jeremy wouldn't go into it today, but it involves Michael being able to hang from his ceiling. That was actually how they happened.).   
"I'm gonna sleep. Will you come with me?" Fuck. That sounded wayyyyy too sexual.   
"Yeah, sure. Bet you'll regret that when tomorrow rolls around!" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING I DID AND I NEED TO WRITE FLUFF IN THE NEXT CHAPTER  
> P.S. the calming technique Michael uses is a real one, it works.


	10. I'm dreaming of a gay Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As an apology for the last couple of chapters, I wrote this. You're welcome!

  1. _25th December because I'm dreaming of a gay Christmas_



Michael rolled over. Or tried to. Jeremy is an octopus when he sleeps, and if you're near him, then you will be his next victim.  
"Morning boyf."  
"Shhshhhhshshsh." Jeremy mumbled, flopping a hand at Michael.  
"Awww, you're tired," Michael cooed, "WAKE THE FUCK UP!"  
"WHAT IN THE FRESH TITTY MAGUIRE WAS THAT FOR?" Jeremy yelled, shooting upright as though he had been shocked (too soon). Michael laughed.  
"Fresh titty Maguire is my new catchphrase. Also I am gay."  
"Michael, you've been out since you were thirteen and you are dating me how are you not gay."  
"Maybe you're my beard."  
"What the fuck."

"And, as Shakespeare would say, it's time to eat." Michael finished his joke filled speech and sat down to laugh and look at all his friends and his one boyfriend.  
"True dat." Christine elbowed Jenna for saying that.  
"Titus Andronicus Act IV Scene 2 Line 1765." Christine responded. Everyone whipped out their smartphones and Googled it. Michael was first, and fell off his chair laughing.  
Jenna leaned over and whispered something in Christine's ear, making her laugh and blush.  
"What did Jenna say?" Jeremy asked.  
"Romeo and Juliet Act III Scene 5 Line 176." Christine responded. Jeremy collapsed in laughter.  
"It's Lady Capulet saying 'You are too hot.'." Michael explained.  
Everyone started eating.

"Hey guys, Brooke and I have something to tell you." Chloe stood up nervously. "We're dating."  
"I knew this." Jeremy interjected with a grin.  
"Me too. They told me." Michael added.  
"Wait, how long?" said Rich, who had been quiet up to this point.  
"Um, our year anniversary was yesterday." Brooke scratched the back of her head awkwardly.  
"WHAT THE FUCK!" Jake screamed.  
Rich poked him, then sat on him. Michael shot a warning glare at Jeremy, who was focused on looking innocent. Brooke was sitting on Chloe, and Jenna and Christine were somehow sharing a chair. It was all around very gay.  
"Guys this isn't gay enough. It's snowing outside. Connect the dots." Michael grinned.  
He and Jeremy were first out, wearing mittens and big coats. Jeremy started building a snowman, while Michael made a snow angel. Multiple. Snow. Angels. Well, two.  
Rich and Jake were next out, with just mittens and extra ruffled hair.  
Finally, Brooke and Chloe came out (yes I planned that, and its references to the way they all came out) wearing fluffy hats, mittens and coats.  
"Hey," Jake began "Let's-"  
"SNOWBALL FIGHT!" yelled Rich, hurling a snowball at Jake's back. It missed, slightly.  
"ASS SHOT FIRST TIME? JESUS CHRIST!"  
Brooke chucked a snowball half heartedly at Chloe, who ducked. Jeremy, who was behind Brooke and in front of Michael, ducked. So did Michael.  
"Jeez Brooke, how hard is it to hit someone?" Chloe taunted.  
"Not hard." replied Brooke, nailing Chloe in the chest.  
Michael somehow did a Lenny face at Jeremy, which resulted in them both on the ground laughing hysterically, then going back to building a snowman.  
Rich and Jake had gone somewhere to do something (insert Lenny face here), so Brooke and Chloe.... had won?  
"HIGH FIVE!" yelled Chloe. They promptly did so, then started making more snow angels.  
"HEY IDIOTS!" Rich yelled, dragging Jake back "PRESENT TIME!"  
They all gathered in Jake's massive living room, and started taking presents out from under the tree.  
Jeremy got a couple of incense sticks from Chloe ("For stress," she had explained), a jewellery box from Brooke (she winked at him when he noticed the ring slots), a 32 inch dildo and a cute little vase from Rich, about three bars of chocolate from Jake, and a ring from Michael. A lot of blushing ensued. It was silver, with a tiny game controller with the player two light on instead of a gem. Michael had a matching one, with the player one light on.  
Michael got incense sticks from Brooke ("We went to the same shop. They're for calming you down" she explained), another jewellery box from Chloe, matching Jeremy's, a candle from Rich ("Because we all know Michael tops", he explained), about thirty patches from Jake, and an adorable rainbow heart patch from Jeremy, along with a little silver ring with 'riend' inscribed on the inside. Jeremy had a matching one saying 'boyf'.

Half an hour or so later, everyone had their presents, and it was time to go back home. Jeremy was staying overnight at Michael's, Rich was staying with Jake, and Chloe and Brooke were going back to Chloe's.  
**gay the pray away**  
**gayriendmakesanentrance** : hey guys  
**gayriendmakesanentrance** : merry christmas  
**softpanboyf** : merry christmas to you too  
**Moderator** : You have a week to make a decision  
**softpanboyf** : fuck u  
**gayriendmakesanentrance** : what decision?  
**Moderator** : Either close this chat permanently, or keep me alive.  
**gayriendmakesanentrance** : take a big fucken guess buddy. you're going down  
**Moderator** : See you next week.  
**Moderator** _closed chat temporarily._  
"We're ending the chat." Michael stated when everyone arrived.  
"The squip will be here permanently otherwise." Jeremy added. "We have until New Year's Eve"  
"Okay, so let's make the best of the time we have. See us later guys, I've gotta boink." Jake said, then walked out with Rich behind. Jeremy was splitting his sides next to Michael, who was in stitches. Christine and Brooke were both practically in hysterics.  
"It's... British slang for... fucking...." Christine explained between fits of laughter to Chloe and Jenna, who were very confused.  
"Oookay.... Now, let's go!"  
"I'm staying again. Wanna play?"  
"MICHAEL!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those are all legitimate Shakespeare quotes! Look them up, they're funny. Anyway, guess what's going to end soon! I'm thinking of making a sequel, which would definitely just be fluff and memes. Good idea or bad? See ya!  
> EDIT: HOLY FUCK OVER 1000 HITS, 100 KUDOS AND 11 BOOKMARKS! IM SO HAPPY


	11. Goodbye gays.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELCOME TO THE EPIC CONCLUSION OF FRIENDS ARE WEIRD

**gay the pray away**

**gayriendmakesanentrance** : waddup homos

 **softpanboyf** : different sexualities

 **flamingbi** : my dick

 **jakeysd** : your dick

 **fast10:yourseatbelts** : my dick

 **heck** : your dick

 **Cats** : your Richard

 **rolanofl** : my dick

 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : what the fuck

 **softpanboyf** : glad to see we're all messaging again

 **Moderator** : Language everyone.

 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : lag much

 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : bitch

 **softpanboyf** : asstown

 **flamingbi** : substantial moron

 **Cats** : Irrelevant anecdote

 **rolanofl** : PE teacher

 **jakeysd** : not bro

 **fast10:yourseatbelts:** stale meme

 **heck** : Donald Trump equivalent

 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : woah dude

 **softpanboyf** : shit wow

 **fast10:yourseatbelts** : savage

 **flamingbi** : damn

 **jakeysd** : didn't know you had it in ya Brooke

 **Cats** : Wow. Just wow.

 **rolanofl** : you picked well, chlo

 **fast10:yourseatbelts** : damn straight

 **heck** : damn gay*

 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : 10/10 would gay again

 **softpanboyf** : goddamn u guys

 **heck** : h*ck u son of a not very nice human being

 **fast10:yourseatbelts** : severe profanity

 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : and memes

 **softpanboyf** : hey gays

 **softpanboyf** : we only have a week of this chat left

 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : :/

 **flamingbi** : :/

 **jakeysd** : :/

 **softpanboyf** : :/

 **fast10:yourseatbelts** : :/

 **rolanofl** : :/

 **heck** : :/

 **Cats** : =/

 **fast10:yourseatbelts:** this is a broken family

_One week later_

**gayriendmakesanentrance** : fuck

 **softpanboyf** : one hour of this gay chat left

 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : we're doing another one after this right?

 **heck** : duh

 **fast10:yourseatbelts** : it'll probably be a lot better

 **softpanboyf** : yeah, and last longer. this was a wild rollercoaster of a half term.

 **flamingbi** : plus it'll be gayer

 **jakeysd** : and cuter

 **Moderator** : Shutting down chat in T- 5 minutes.

 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : eat an entire ass

 **jakeysd** : done

 **flamingbi** : ;)

 **heck** : ....

 **softpanboyf** : I don't want to walk in on u guys ever again

 **heck** : shudders

 **fast10:yourseatbelts:** sorry dude

 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : what was happening

 **softpanboyf** : what wasn't.

 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : oh

 **Moderator** : Shutting down chat in T- 1 minute.

 **gayriendmakesanentrance** : shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

 **softpanboyf** : it's been nice on this chat.

 **flamingbi** : see you guys next year

 **jakeysd** : see you gays*

 **Moderator** : Shutting down chat.

 **gay the pray away** _was_ bxsksmoajeondjsoskwbsodo

 **ERROR: CHAT NOT EXISTING. RECREATE?**  
**YES                            |                            NO**  
**NO SELECTED.**  
**THANK YOU FOR USING THIS CHAT.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it. After just over a month of writing, I've completed a fanfic. Guess what might be coming soon? Updates will be once weekly, as far as I can predict.  
> Thank you for reading Friends are Weird.  
> See ya!


End file.
